


The long wait

by Harif



Series: Eradicating [4]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Coming Out, Consensual Sex, Gay Love, Gay Male Character, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt, gay relationships, odessen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-22 09:55:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6074839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harif/pseuds/Harif
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finally you meet again, after five long years... five years for Theron, only a few weeks perhaps for you</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Eradicate the pain

**Author's Note:**

> First of a 3-chapter story

**Theron Shan to Azarsa Dur'anwy:**

**Found a place on Nar Shaddaa, small apartment, but perfect for us**

_Hearing you loud and clear Theron:_

_Great! Can't wait to see you again!_

**Where are you now? What are you up to?**

_I'm on Marr's fleet_

**What on earth are you doing there...**

_He found a lead to the Eternal Empire and he summoned me to come with him._

**Yeck**

_Well, you know how convincing Marr can be..._

**How long till you'll be back?**

_Hope to be with you at the end of this week, keep the bed warm will you?_

**Yeah, you owe me stories, evasive spy, stories! You promised the truth! Hey!**

_Love you too!_

_Azarsa out!_

 *

And then carbonite happened...  
Five years of it...

*

Your life taken away, and given back, but so incomplete, so much lacking. And a letter in your mailbox, a scared, guarded letter, telling you he loves you without telling you he loves you. He's such a clever, capable spy, but only one layer deeper is a frightened boy. You never wanted to leave that boy, ever. But it happened.

Odessen gave you your own Commander's room, for an underground bunker even quite luxurious. You helped it build, you're their Commander. What would Ardun say, if he saw you here? Would he be proud? Or scared for a next episode? Are you scared Legate? For now you're just frantically busy, knowing Theron will arrive soon. There's a hole in your chest, and not the lightsaber hole, no, a deeper wound, the wound of missing him.

He will be here shortly, they have promised you. You are pacing restless across the landing platforms, watching every aircraft, impatient, scared, nervous.

When he finally arrives on Odessen, you stand there, staring, trying to feel him, your longing physically painful. But he is so distant. You understand, seeing the hurt behind his guarded eyes. You wish you could take the pain and the years away. His formality, his physical distance: self-preservation. Oh, how you know about self-preservation... You let him be, for just a little while, for just a little bit longer, not too long please, not too long.

That night you decide to go to the Cantina, and ask him to go with you, you just can't stand it any longer, someone has to take the first step, if necessary that will be you.... He is watching you with hopeful eyes, waiting for rejection, while you tell the Alliance, gathered in in the Cantina that you need a word with one of them. Please let it be me, his eyes say. But he remains silent. That evening you take him by the hand and guide him away from the Cantina and bring him home, bring him and you back to life again.

*

You move behind him, arm around his waist. Doing nothing special, just enjoying having him in your arms, you feel his trembling form against you, he's crying. Softly rocking, holding him against you until he goes quiet, "hush hush". You lift his chin, lips finding lips, eyes drowning in his melting mocha eyes. "Five years without you, without anyone, I waited for you". He has tears in his eyes, you kiss them away. "You taste like the sea, cry some more for me", whispered in his ear. You graze his neck, kiss his hair, smelling the fine scent of him, drinking in every detail of him, imprinting him indelibly in all that is you. Breathing again, five years of yearning engraved in you both.

"I hated you Azarsa, I hated you for leaving me. I hated myself for letting someone come so close to me, I swore it would not happen again. From then on, work, work, work.... "

Turning him around, lifting him, pressing all of him to all of you. His warm form, he fits so perfectly against you. Hands removing his jacket; fingertips lifting his shirt. Trembling fondling titillating every small detail tantalizingly teasing every fold every lovable inch of him, stroking with fingers while eyes are drinking.

"I hate you, I hate you, I....."."I love you too Theron."

Resting head in his neck, tasting the fine salty sweat, caressing him with lips, teeth, tongue. He is moving against you, almost uncontrollably, Your hands are holding him, guiding him gentle but firm, keeping him from moving too fast. Dictating a steady rhythm.

"Azarsa, mmmm, do that again please". "What love, this?" Teasingly sucking his neck, biting; caressing him with almost forgotten intimacy.  
Hearing the pace of his breathing increase; hearing him whisper: "Oh, Azarsa, please".  
"Slowly love, come with your hand, touch me here". Maundering meaningless words in his ear,  
Feeling him shiver, feeling him pulse in your hand.

"Ahhhhh, please, please don't stop doing that...." He shivers again, you know he will not last long, with soft caresses of your tongue and lips you slide down, his hands falteringly grabbing your hair, saying your name again and again, how he hates you, how he hates you, how he loves you, how... how...  Your fingers trailing his trembling legs, his thighs, your mouth meeting him and devouring. He is making the sexiest sounds ever heard, and you go down, oh how you go down, together.

*

Tonight you will share your room, you lift him in your arms and he lets you, curls up against you in bed. "Tomorrow I need to know everything, I don't want to wait another five years, crazy agent?" "I promise", you say, with pain in your heart, because what will he say after he finds out the truth about you?


	2. Eradicate, extirpate, destroy... or not.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Opening up, always a hard thing to do.  
> Vulnerability in others is often easier to deal with than being vulnerable yourself.

If you could postpone the inevitable, would you? Would you want to hold it back as long as possible? Would you sacrifice one whole night of sleep so you could enjoy having what you have, being sure it will be lost to you in the morning? It would, it matters, it is important. You will not tell him you stayed awake all night, to watch him, to enjoy every minute of being with him. Have you ever been so in love? Have you ever been so afraid it will only last this night, it will be gone after you told him? Have you ever been so afraid of losing someone after you lost Ardun?

A sun beam of golden dust touches his hair, as if set aflame, he does not notice. You like watching him unnoticed, you hover your fingers above him, caressing him without ever touching him, feeling his warmth in the tips of your fingers. Breathing him in is a more vital need than oxygen.

Sliding down under the covers again, cautiously wrapping an arm around him, careful not to wake him. He's babbling incomprehensible words, must be a dream. Must be a good dream because he is smiling. What did he write again? _"I like to think you're having one crazy dream, and maybe I'm in it..."_ You want to be in his dream, you definitely want to be.

*

"Hmm, Azarsa, how long have you been watching me, weird guy", Theron opens his eyes fully and kisses you, cuddling up and burying his head against your shoulder. "Need coffee, bathroom", he grumbles, and wobbles off, still half-asleep. The smell of coffee invades your nose a minute later, he bring two mugs and hands you one. "There, and now it's time to catch up, we most definitely need to talk, you won't get off so easily". 

You nod. "You have been avoiding this for gods know how long, you're a master in avoidance!". He eyes you suspiciously. "Ever since Ardun Kothe told me to keep an eye on you you have been alarmingly and very LOUDLY silent", he continues. And then he sits down and waits for you to reply.

You would reply if you could, but words are suddenly an insurmountable obstacle, there are no words, and your throat is constricted.

He waits, patiently at first, but slowly realizing there is not a word coming from you, and he becomes his very direct self. And incredibly quick, before you realize what he is about to do, he grabs your arms, and moves up the sleeves of your shirt, up, very high up your arms, revealing it all.... "Do you really think I am that stupid? That I hadn't noticed? What were you thinking? Are you crazy? No, wrong word, not crazy, but ... yeah crazy?" He is irate, you had no idea he knew, let alone that it makes him angry. "One on each arm, you were VERY serious while you did that! On Yavin-4 those scars were pink, you kept them hidden carefully, I kept my stupid mouth shut, thought it wasn't my thing to say anything, to ask you if you were feeling good enough to do the Revan-job. And here we are, five years later, the scars are white and healed and STILL you don't speak to me. Sums up perfectly what it is. You have NOT healed inside, you definitely have NOT".

He paces the room: "You're our god-damn Commander, and you do a perfect job, and nobody really looks at you real good, SEES you? And what was Kothe thinking leaving you?" You let him pace and speak and yell, you have no words anyway...

And then suddenly he is quiet and looks at you, and he has a very alarmed look on his face. "I am sorry! I shouldn't have yelled like this, I am WORRIED, can't you see? I love you and I am worried, damn you Azarsa for making me fall in love with you". You close your eyes, you would love to have this big slab of stone around to crawl under. "Gods, I am sorry, you look terrible...." He pulls you in his arms and cuddles you. "When you have recovered from finding out I knew at least this small part of what is wrong with you, can we PLEASE move on and get the rest out of the way Azarsa? I don't want us to end up like Kothe and you did. I'd like to stick around, preferably forever,  you see".

*

"Have you ever had the feeling that you weren't allowed to be there? That it really didn't matter whatever you did? I joined Imperial Intelligence when I was a boy, in hindsight, what did I know, nothing! I was proud to belong, it was something I never had, I had no family, nothing". You are thinking, searching for words, they don't come easily, it is hard to explain to Theron why you are who you are while you can't even explain it to yourself.

"I was very lonely. Different from anyone else I knew. But I couldn't give it a name. I was called names, bullied. They used to call me girly boy. Humiliated me in every imaginable way."

"When they brainwashed me and put Castellan Restraints on me, I didn't know. I had no idea they thought I was a threat, while the only thing I wanted to do was the right thing, or so I thought".  He holds your hand while you do the talking. "And then they sent me off to infiltrate SIS, and Kothe and especially Hunter very cruelly used the conditioning to make me work for them. How little did they know that I liked working in their small group, they were friends, they worked so well together, everyone had their own task, and it was a well-oiled machine. They cared for each other, and I wanted to belong to the group." You swallow, and blink tears away. "They would never have needed to condition me, to make me do what I did...."

"I lost myself in the process, I managed to undo the conditioning, but the cost was high. I started to remember what I had done, I started to mistrust everyone, and especially myself. I don't know if you know how Star Cabal ended, but with a shattered Hunter, I shattered too. I barely managed to keep myself together. I started having migraines, terrible nightmares, in the end it seeped into my waking hours."

"I collapsed and had a complete breakdown while I was staying with Ardun. He tried to find help and have me hospitalized, when he turned to open the door to let doctors in, I.. " you start rubbing your wrists.

"I have been away for a few years, hospitalized, and hiding in Ardun's house. But he couldn't cope with it anymore, and neither could I. We were reminded of our troubled past together, it didn't work too well. I'm feeling a lot better without having to see him all the time. But I DO love him as a friend and I DO like to see him".

"I was like Revan, split in two, and no idea how to fix myself. I finally managed to glue myself together, but the cracks are still there, and will always be. An Eternal Emperor, and guilt over Ziost isn't exactly helpful either...."

*

Theron let you speak without interrupting, no idea that quicksilver little spy could have so much patience in him.

"Azarsa, what is it you were so afraid of? About telling me I mean, what is so terrible about telling me? What on earth did you think would happen?"

"I am afraid to lose you. I am slowly finding myself again, despite the war and the Eternal Empire, and all of the hard times we are facing, but the fact that I am as I am, and that I will have this weakness, that it might most probably be my undoing if I don't take good care of myself, well, it's frightening me, let alone scary for anyone else. Ardun couldn't cope, heck, I can't cope, but I am stuck with me, so I have to...."

"And you are stuck with me too. I am a crazy spy, but I do understand you, it took a while for me to admit that I want to be with you. But I do, so be flattered!" He smiles, "and frankly, nothing in your story scares me, only the thought of losing you scares the fuck out of me! So please PLEASE be honest with me from now on. And, very important: I . AM . NOT . ARDUN . KOTHE".

"You are not. But can we please stop talking about this for today? I am really terribly tired. I will be honest with you: I am able to keep myself together nowadays, but I need to rest as much as I can, and have to do a reality check even more regularly. If I can manage that, I will be fine." 

"It's been enough yeah, come here Azarsa, we'll just cuddle and snooze." You curl up against him and close your eyes, his arms protectively around you.


	3. Did you really?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Very, VERY short last chapter of this part of the series.  
> Just a few sentences,  
> Just a little bit of text, we'll have to wait till Chapter XI before the series continue,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I edited the first chapter, rearranged, added text.

"Tell me Theron, why doesn't my road to self-destruction scare you?"

He is draped across your chest, his hair is tickling your nose, but that doesn't matter, you're happy, lazy and in love. Relaxed for the first time since you met all those years ago, and completely at ease in each others company. His fingers trailing the scars on your arms, something you never do yourself, it's very intimate, so intimate it's frightening. Your fingers lazily following the implants in his head, sometimes planting a kiss on his forehead. Just you and he, being together, nothing special, just the two of you.

"You don't want to die, you were desperate when you did this. And also, you just don't know how to live Azarsa, no one ever taught you how to live, you had to do it all by yourself, and that was hard. But we're together now, it will make it a lot easier, you'll see, ok? And what you've been through? Everyone would shatter. That doesn't frighten me. What does frighten me is you being silent, and me not knowing what to do".

You cuddle him, you can't get enough of him being with you, of feeling the loneliness and the darkness slowly fade away . "Tell me, lovely Shan, tell me about you."

"About me? Me, Shan? What is there to tell. I am just crazy, I have the worlds craziest mother, and a father I never knew, I only recently met him. And the craziest thing is that I knew him, and he knew me, we just didn't know we were father and son. Thanks to my ever so nice mum huh?. She let me grow up with a guy that only was interested in me till the moment he noticed I was not force-sensitive, she never even returned to watch over me... Hey, what's there to tell!"

"That's one long declaration of hurt, love. And still you are capable of giving love and of receiving love. Any other man would have walked away when his lover left him for five years, I mean, you had no idea where I was, so most probably you thought I upped and left, right? Yet you didn't. So, little spy of mine, you want love in your life, but you are scared because you never before had such a thing as we have now."

"Since when are you such an expert?". "Since I was in a hospital and they did that stuff to me all day long perhaps?" You both start laughing, and it's liberating, just being able to talk freely about issues so long hidden.

You hold each other tightly, cuddling and kissing before dressing. Today is the day you both will announce to them that you officially are in love and dating. The time for casual flirting is over, this is very serious. You look at him and smile: "Ready love?" You take his hand and you both walk into the war room. Time to out, time for the others to see you are together. It does matter what they think, but it matters much more how you feel about each other, and the latter, of course, feels great!

To your surprise they all start laughing and applauding. "It was about time", Koth says. "How many years have you been dancing around each other, the five years of carbonite not included?" Lana remarks sardonically. Theron starts doing his nervous shuffle, which is very cute, and you just say: "Drinks are on me, order away!" They all come kissing and shaking hands with us, you are moved, you hadn't expected this much friendship and understanding.

This very emotional and painful day has finally come to an end, tomorrow it will be Master and Commander again.

***

Meet Azarsa, this is what he looks like :)


End file.
